You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

• You answer the door before people knock.
  
• You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
  
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  
• You sleep with your eyes open.
  
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  
• The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
  
• You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don'teven work there.
  
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
  
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  
• You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
  
• You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  
• People get dizzy just watching you.
  
• You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
  
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
  
• Instant coffee takes too long.
  
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
  
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  
• You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
  
• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  
• You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
  
• You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
  
• You get drunk just so you can sober up.
  
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  
• You short out motion detectors.
  
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  
• You don't tan, you roast.
  
• You don't get mad, you get steamed.
  
• You help your dog chase its tail.
  
• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
  
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.